Each episode will consist of:
A tedious two part film where they pretend they are going to do something awesome but is in fact full of badly scripted and worse acted "accidents". James May will finally be rushed to hospital because of a ruptured embarrassment gland.
The News will consist of nothing but knob jokes and racial stereotypes. Hammond, who has finally come out as a transvestite, will incur the wrath of the Muslim world and become the subject of a fatwah. Subsequently 90% of the show's budget has to be transferred to cover the cost of his armoured vehicle and ex-special forces bodyguards.
SIARPC will show just the start and the end of the lap to allow more time to plug the guest's latest project. At no point will they be asked about their interest in cars or their car history. Only one of the guests will actually realise they are on Top Gear as opposed to any other talk show.
The cheapest car Jeremy drives will cost at least ?200,000. None of them will ever leave the confines of the track and he will regurgitate some old metaphors before contradicting himself again. The word "Myrrh" will feature in every review. The only one he likes will be dreadful, but he loves it because it has AMG on its arse.
Andy Wilman will post a blog on the TG website saying how proud he is of their latest efforts and that he doesn't give a stuff what anyone thinks about the direction "their baby" has taken. The standard photo of him that accompanies every blog will be replaced by a photocopy of his most recent bank statement with the account numbers blacked out with a magic marker which has also been used to write "fuck you" across the bottom.
I agree with everything written here.
I'm also wondering how many more times we're even going to be able to predict the next series?